Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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