I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
