spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
