is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
