I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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