I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
