youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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