as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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