she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
