her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
