We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
