I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
