I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
