She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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