I just pynch a tree in the face
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
