So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
