Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
