I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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