I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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