you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
