Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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