Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
