Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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