yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
