They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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