cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
