I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
