its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
