i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
