I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
