Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
