The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
