He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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