he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
