So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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