Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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