Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
