just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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