Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
