Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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