How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
