I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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