3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
