The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
youre lurking in front of me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
