My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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