i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
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i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
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You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Holy shit dude........stairs
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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