I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I wish there were birth control emojis
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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