My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
