so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
