Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
