you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
bring money and cleavage
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
