I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
then he tried to convert me to islam
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
