apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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