I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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